On disagreements

I received some valuable feedback to yesterday’s post (Simplicity is comfort) and a few people remarked that they were pleased that I made efforts not to limit my intended audience to those who tend to align with me on most issues. I thought it would be useful to explain what I’m trying to do and why I came to this position so here are a few words that express these ideas. Hopefully.

Informed decision
My self-restraint, in this and other pursuits, is intentional and I choose it with full knowledge that unfettered tribalism tends to attract a more zealous, supportive audience than moderation and diplomacy ever will. But my goal in writing is not to gain notoriety or riches, it’s to alleviate my anxiety by expressing ideas that burden my mind, so I’m not overly concerned about how I’m perceived by others. Instead, I try to focus on the positive effect I want to have on others and, in doing so, on myself.

The nature of our disagreements
It seems to be human nature to consider unreliable and reject any discourse that seems unfairly critical or hostile toward an opinion we hold on political, economical, and social matters. Over the last few years, I’ve found myself increasingly the victim of just that phenomena and I worry that it signals a degradation of public discourse that I would very much like to see reversed. It might be a fruitless but I’ve often prided myself in remaining an optimist in the face of impossible odds… which has caused my downfall countless times, to be fair, yet here I am, resolute.

A way out?
It seems to me that our best chance at achieving the future we desire depends on our ability to remain focused on our common values and ideals instead of allowing our passions to get the better of us and strengthen the ferocity of our disagreements.

In other words, all decent people want the same outcome for humanity and the world (more peace, well-being, and prosperity / less pollution, suffering, and destruction) but we struggle to make any progress because we disagree so vehemently on the course of action that will take us there. With this in mind, we would do well to take a step back and realize that despite our differences, our common values and good intentions are what fuel both our support for those we view as allies and our scorn for those we view as enemies.

Reality is a b-word
I realize that ending the nasty debates we find on social media, in political circles, and everywhere else will be a lot harder than interjecting ourselves between people and telling them to consider that the other is, at their core, probably a decent person. But if we internalize these ideas, maybe they’ll have a positive influence on the way we comport ourselves and influence others to do the same.

In closing
Our good fortune depends on our willingness to be civil even with those who oppose us on matters of critical importance because to do otherwise is to condemn our society to ever-increasing bitterness and frustration. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that you can only repress those feelings so much within a population before the seams start to fail and the pressure is released in an uncontrollable manner. Or not. What do I know? And what did I just write? Probably nonsense, but it’s 2:45 PM, I haven’t had lunch yet, and I need sustenance so I guess I’ll make peace with the imperfection of this post and hit “Publish”.

Simplicity is comfort

Simplicity is comfort.
The comfort one finds in simplicity, while appealing, is a lie.
The cost of simplicity is polarization and alienation. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

It all started with talk of paper vs. plastic straws. After coming home with take-out, I scoffed at the paper straws provided by the restaurant and expressed how poor an alternative they are to plastic straws. “Yes, but plastic straws are really bad for the environment”, replied one of my loved ones.

True, I’ll give her that, single-use plastics are bad for the environment. I don’t disagree with that statement at all, and I considered providing a fuller view of my reasoning at the time but I thought better of it because the food was warm, my stomach was grumbling, and it would have made me a suboptimal host to make the others wait. So we ate and forgot about it.

But I just ate a satisfying meal, my guests departed many days ago, and I just remembered having wanted to flesh out my views on this topic so here it goes!


In short, I scoff at the increasing distribution of paper straws at fast food restaurants as an expressing of my disdain for the kind of simplistic but ineffective solutions people (myself included) tend to accept as sufficient without realizing how little they do to address societal ills.

Most people will do the right thing when given the opportunity, and this gives me hope for our society, but I am regularly disappointed to notice all the ways in which good people can be made to feel content that they’re remediating a major issue without the need to inconvenience themselves to any significant degree. Isn’t that convenient?! Yes, plastic straws are bad for the environment but when you take into account all the waste generated within households in developed countries, straws play such a small role as to be considered insignificant.

It’s better to reduce waste whenever possible, so using “greener” alternatives makes sense, but what if these simple changes provide people a false sense of comfort, of security, that stops them from taking a more critical look at their habits and recognizing that they could do a hell of a lot more? I’m not trying to preach environmentalism here, just to point out that if you think you’ve done a righteous thing, you may be tempted to feel good enough to stop paying attention to an issue that may actually need a hell of a lot more consideration.

So you see, my concern is not that people aren’t doing enough, it’s that they are often being lead to believe that they are doing something of substance when they might do a lot more if not for the self of comfort imparted onto them by the simplistic social norms that inform their automatic actions and suppress their need for independent thought.


With the previous example of the paper straw in mind, you might be better situated to understand why I’m annoyed by the false sense of meaningful action we often see following major gun crimes. Here is a simplified explanation of the usual pattern of events:

– A firearm is used to harm someone, usually by someone not legally entitled to own a firearm and who acquired it through illegal means (smuggling, theft, etc.)
– Politicians from certain parties react by immediately pointing the finger at the “gun lobby” (which is mostly comprised of firearms enthusiasts, like me; the class of people that is statistically least likely to commit a violent crime). “Guns kill people”, they yell, “and there is no place for them in our society!”.
– The politicians take executive action (as in the May 1st 2020 order-in-council by Justin Trudeau) and/or push for legislative changes to further restrict the types of firearms civilians can possess, the manner in which they can be used, and things of that nature.
– These politicians make enthusiastic public announcements. “Something bad happened”, they claim, “and we did something to make sure it never happens again!”.
– Their supporters cheer them on, they feel good knowing that the people they support are doing something meaningful to address violent crime.

… except that nothing of substance has been accomplished; the politicians have used an unfortunate event to gain political capital, members of their voting base have been comforted by the idea that they’re now safer from gun violence, and violent criminals are either not affected or they may even be better off, for example if the price of smuggled guns increases.

To be clear, I find violent crime abhorrent and cannot imagine how much pain it causes in the communities where it occurs. It’s a terrifying problem and we just wish it would go away, but there’s no easy solution because the people at fault here are already circumventing the law and will do whatever is needed to maintain their illicit activities.

We have to recognize that as much as we want it to be so, we must reject the platitudes expressed by politicians and instead hold them to higher standards, such as putting themselves in the uncomfortable, and perhaps politically inconvenient, position of examining the full extent of the problem and having honest conversations about the best ways to address them. I understand that the average person cannot contemplate the extent of every issue facing their community, but they should not be content with “feel good” words that, conveniently, always seem to be aligned with and reinforce the simplistic views of their voting base.

Paper straws seem to be a step in the right direction in reducing pollution but those among us who hold strong environmental values must not allow themselves to be made comfortable with such a minuscule step, they should instead recognize the vast complexity of the problem and allow the discomfort it causes them to find more effective ways in which they can contribute to the cause.

We see a similar phenomena when people who seem to mean well react to gun violence by enacting mostly ineffective and incorrectly targeted gun control measures. It’s easy to claim you’re doing something to address an issue when the narrative benefits you and those on your side of the political spectrum offer you no resistance but it’s a lot harder to actually consider the complexity of the issue, identify the major contributing causes (even when deeply politically inconvenient for you, and do something meaningful about it.

Question the narrative.
Embrace complexity.
Be uncomfortable.

Wait, what did I intend to write about before I started writing instinctively, distracted by my disgust for misinformation?!…

Oh, yes! My initial idea was to compare the idea of paper straws being a simplistic, largely ineffective, solution for a complex problem to the increasingly common phenomenon of using a single characteristic or opinion to categorize someone as being undeserving of attention, consideration, and empathy. That it’s easier to call someone a “nazi” or a “snowflake” than to have an honest conversation, to show our vulnerabilities, and accept that the issue on which we seem to disagree may not allow for a simple explanation or an easy solution. We shouldn’t feel too comfortable in thinking that we’re right and they’re wrong when, in all likelihood, everyone is wrong on some aspect and we would gain from continuously questioning what we accept as truth.

I zoned-out while writing this and I’m sure I could make it a lot clearer if I reviewed it at a later time but I’ve been meaning to write something longer than a Facebook post for over two years so I’ll just hit “publish” and hope some of you find value in what I wrote. This first rough draft will have to do for now as I’ve pushed my concentration to its limits.

Toodles!

A minor revelation

Preface: I am currently motivated to write but I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sustain it so please be aware that I won’t review this post before I post it. As may become clear from the content of the post itself, simply being able to write about this, or any subject, is a noteworthy accomplishment for me and, as a result, I begrudgingly accept that the result will probably not meet my unreasonably high standards. Oh well.

I’ve been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), depression, OCD (primarily obsessional, in my opinion), and a number of related issues for a number of years.

It sucks.

I struggle on a daily basis to sort through my thoughts and feelings, to identify why I feel the way I do and to move on, as everyone (myself included) has correctly stated I must do in order to get better.

But I can’t. Not out of unwillingness but rather of inability. My mind is locked into this mode and simply trying to rewire myself by sheer will, aided by therapy and medication, is not cutting it.

I have thoughts stuck in my head that play over and over again all the damn time. My most effective solution, and one I go through great efforts to use at every moment of every day, is to blast my brain with as much stimuli as possible in an effort to distract it. And it works pretty damn well most of the time!… but even when I should be fully engrossed by a work of fiction, a constructive activity, or some other thing, my mind often wanders back to the thoughts that persist to haunt me.

In the last years, and especially the last few months, I have come to realize that there are only a few things that improve my mental well-being in a noticeable and sustainable way, and they are, in no particular order:

  • Expressing my thoughts, typically in writing, when the subject matter is one that I am deeply invested in and about which I believe I am able to contribute something of value for others,
  • Focusing on the meaningful relationships I hope to preserve and improve upon, in the case of people I already know, and the wonderful relationship I hope to have with people I have yet to meet.
  • Formulating ideas as to the nature of the projects and businesses I would like to create or collaborate on in the future so I can make a decent living while contributing something of great value to the world (easier said then done!), and;
  • Taking small acts of kindness, be they strangers or close friends, when I believe it will brighten their day, even if only a little bit. These small gestures provide me a disproportionate amount of warmth, optimism, and most of all, accomplishment.
    • One of these acts, shoveling some of my neighbours’ driveways, whenever I can afford to do so without aggravating my rotator cuff injuries, has also allowed me to improve my relationship with many of my neighbours and, in one case, develop an unexpected but deeply rewarding friendship with one of them! (You’re good people, M, and I’m incredibly thankful to count you among my most valued friends)

However, being aware of the things that make me feel better is only useful to the extent that I am able to do those things; the nature of my illnesses is such that it takes me a considerable amount of effort to start just about anything from any of my extensive to-do lists (chores, home improvement, healthy living, creative projects, hobbies, social activities, etc.). For those of you with knowledge of physics or chemistry, the concept of “activation energy” is an apt descriptor of the kind barrier I’m dealing with; I know that great things will happen once I complete a task but I must first generate a massive amount of “energy” to get started and/or incur deeply unpleasant feelings.

On a good day, I am usually able to eliminate one or two things from my “Short-term” to-do list but I often add more items than I remove… this is a problem in itself that I need to resolve but it’s outside the scope of what I’m trying to communicate today so I’ll let it go for now. Hell, I won’t even add it to one of my to-do lists! [I proudly pat myself on the back]

Where was I? Oh yes. Getting stuff done. Not easy. But I chug along, slowly, and most things get done at some point. But as time goes on, I notice that I am not making enough progress toward getting back to the state of well-being I have long lost and that causes me to lose hope.

But on rare occasions, I get brief moments of extreme clarity (or, at least, that’s how I perceive them at the time) and they provide me a huge burst of optimism, motivation, and creativity. I feel like myself again, if only for an instant, and I remind myself that somewhere deep inside, I still retain the creativity, intellectualism, curiosity, sense of justice, sense of humour, good intentions, and uncanny idealism that used to define me so accurately (in my view anyway, feel free to disagree).

While walking my dog Isaac this morning, a series of thoughts sprung into my conscious mind, I’d go so far as to describe them as a minor revelation, and their exponential growth prompted me to write the current post. Admittedly, none of the fundamental elements of this morning’s “revelation” are new to me, they are at the core of what I have been thinking about for several years; the novel element is the manner in which they organized themselves in my mind, leading me to a striking realization.

Heavily simplified, the train of thought that lead me to this minor “revelation” was as follows:

  • I am desperate to find the means to restore, or even surpass, the sense of purpose and meaning that have previously experienced.
  • I get value the feeling of accomplishment above just about any other one and this appears to be different from most people’s lived experience.
  • My feelings of self-worth and self-respect seem to be almost exclusively borne of how I judge my own thought processes, decisions, and actions; I have little to no interest in gaining the approval of others or avoiding their disapproval except to the extent that they contribute to improving the clarity and/or complexity of my thoughts
  • In my thirty-something years of life, I have been exposed to a number of experiences that had profound impacts on me, ranging from the inspiration instilled in me by some outstanding role models to some of the most unsettling realizations I have had in regard to certain individuals from whom I expected the highest standards of honesty, integrity, and moral courage.
  • I am cognizant that most people cannot relate to my life lessons in a meaningful way, I am after all quite atypical in many ways, but there’s a chance that my triumphs and struggles could play a profound role in helping those who can relate, even to a small degree, make the best of their lives.
  • I think I should write a non-fiction book in which I use my experiences and reflections as a starting point to explore meaningful ideas with the intent of inspiring readers to reflect on their own lives (past, present, and future) and to identify how they can best embody their values and ideals without regard to the factors that would have previously stopped them from being their true self.
  • I am not deluded enough to think that this morning’s “minor revelation” is in itself anything new but I think I can provide novelty by talking openly and honestly about certain subjects that I have never seen covered in a manner that is at once accessible to the general public yet still provides sufficient breadth and depth to meaningfully contribute to the public discussion.
  • Coming to your favourite bookstore in 2022 (hopefully).

I honestly don’t know if what I wrote makes any sense but I just ran out of steam so I’ll hi the “Publish” button and see what happens.

I apologize in advance if I wasted your time but I guess you can take comfort in knowing that I meant well and, thankfully for you, this is free content. FREE! 😀

I invite you to leave a comment if you feel like it and don’t be afraid to provide constructive criticism because I use this platform as the means to share my thoughts but also to sharpen them… and there’s no better way to do that than by either defending them from outside criticism or adopting elements of the criticism as part of one’s own thoughts.

Breaking the ice (video)

As you may have noticed by reading my last post, I intend to use this blog to talk about topics that are important to me and, hopefully, provide my readers something meaningful.

But this post is something different. Earlier today, I went for a hike in the woods with two of my best friends and, seeing an opportunity to do something silly, I went for it. Here it is:

I hope you enjoyed that!

Have a great night!

On getting better (part 1)

Warning: Let it be known that I have *slight* perfectionist tendencies that make it nearly impossible for me to publish my writings; I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that I always end up in an endless cycle of self-correction and self-criticism.

In an effort to produce actual content that people can consume, I’ll be trying something different with this post and those to come. I will sit down at my desk, write a first draft, publish it, and move on with my life.

I recommend that you keep your expectations low and perhaps you’ll be surprised to find some value in my writings. If not, well, no refunds.

Some truths come to you only with time, experience, and/or suffering. Unfortunately, pain is often the most effective teacher.

I’ve suffered from severe mental health issues for many years now as a result of unfortunate circumstances outside my control. I would like nothing more than to go back and change the past but being that the continuity of time would not allow that to occur, I must recognize that the only things I have any control over is how I think and feel about the past.

In theory, the process of improving how I think and feel about the past is fairly simple; I just have to slowly and deliberately walk through my mountain of thoughts, examine them all individually, suppress those that harm me, and give greater value to those that bring me comfort and hope. Easy, right?!

Nope. Not at all. Getting my brain under control may be the hardest task I’ve ever faced but it’s also the most consequential one because if I give up the fight, I’d be allowing all my hopes of a brighter future to wither away. I don’t want that to happen, both for my own sake but also that of the people who care about me. So let’s try to deal with the hard thoughts, one at a time.

My present existence isn’t especially pleasant or meaningful; I spend almost every day trying to avoid or suppress my thoughts by keeping myself busy with various pursuits, most of them unproductive but harmless.

I’m acutely aware that this is going on and I know that avoidance does nothing to solve my problems but I’m so scared of worsening my somewhat fragile condition that I’m reluctant to expose myself to anything that might “trigger” (ugh, I hate that word) something dark and unpleasant inside me.

This is not a life worth living, at least in its current state.

—-

But all is not pain and suffering. There is hope. And good things occur on a daily basis. Small successes. Moments of clarity.

(I’m tired of writing, I feel like quitting, and I’ve lost track of what I wanted to express, but here’s something that could serve as a conclusion of sorts.)

I was talking to a buddy this morning about my anxiety issues and how most of them either relate to unpleasant feelings about my past or uncertainties about my future.

My buddy asked me what I wanted to do in the future, once I had finished transitioning out of my current career, and my answer was something like “I want to help others in whatever way I am able to, despite my issues, while making enough money to pay the bills. I don’t want to be rich, I just want to do something meaningful and be content.”.

And just like that, I felt better. It’s plain to see that what I said wasn’t much of a revelation, it’s been obvious to me for quite some time that I get most satisfaction from doing things that benefit others, but simply putting it into words and stating that it’s something that I aspire to was enough to make me feel that it’s within my reach. It felt good.

Life will assuredly continue to present me with a great deal of hardships, especially over the coming months as I prepare for the end of a 16+ years career and a giant leap into the unknown, but I take comfort in the simple fact that I am able to envision a future in which I use the whole of my potential to do good for others without neglecting to take care of myself.

My future is uncertain but I have to believe that it’s within my control to make it a good one.