On getting better (part 1)

Warning: Let it be known that I have *slight* perfectionist tendencies that make it nearly impossible for me to publish my writings; I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that I always end up in an endless cycle of self-correction and self-criticism.

In an effort to produce actual content that people can consume, I’ll be trying something different with this post and those to come. I will sit down at my desk, write a first draft, publish it, and move on with my life.

I recommend that you keep your expectations low and perhaps you’ll be surprised to find some value in my writings. If not, well, no refunds.

Some truths come to you only with time, experience, and/or suffering. Unfortunately, pain is often the most effective teacher.

I’ve suffered from severe mental health issues for many years now as a result of unfortunate circumstances outside my control. I would like nothing more than to go back and change the past but being that the continuity of time would not allow that to occur, I must recognize that the only things I have any control over is how I think and feel about the past.

In theory, the process of improving how I think and feel about the past is fairly simple; I just have to slowly and deliberately walk through my mountain of thoughts, examine them all individually, suppress those that harm me, and give greater value to those that bring me comfort and hope. Easy, right?!

Nope. Not at all. Getting my brain under control may be the hardest task I’ve ever faced but it’s also the most consequential one because if I give up the fight, I’d be allowing all my hopes of a brighter future to wither away. I don’t want that to happen, both for my own sake but also that of the people who care about me. So let’s try to deal with the hard thoughts, one at a time.

My present existence isn’t especially pleasant or meaningful; I spend almost every day trying to avoid or suppress my thoughts by keeping myself busy with various pursuits, most of them unproductive but harmless.

I’m acutely aware that this is going on and I know that avoidance does nothing to solve my problems but I’m so scared of worsening my somewhat fragile condition that I’m reluctant to expose myself to anything that might “trigger” (ugh, I hate that word) something dark and unpleasant inside me.

This is not a life worth living, at least in its current state.

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But all is not pain and suffering. There is hope. And good things occur on a daily basis. Small successes. Moments of clarity.

(I’m tired of writing, I feel like quitting, and I’ve lost track of what I wanted to express, but here’s something that could serve as a conclusion of sorts.)

I was talking to a buddy this morning about my anxiety issues and how most of them either relate to unpleasant feelings about my past or uncertainties about my future.

My buddy asked me what I wanted to do in the future, once I had finished transitioning out of my current career, and my answer was something like “I want to help others in whatever way I am able to, despite my issues, while making enough money to pay the bills. I don’t want to be rich, I just want to do something meaningful and be content.”.

And just like that, I felt better. It’s plain to see that what I said wasn’t much of a revelation, it’s been obvious to me for quite some time that I get most satisfaction from doing things that benefit others, but simply putting it into words and stating that it’s something that I aspire to was enough to make me feel that it’s within my reach. It felt good.

Life will assuredly continue to present me with a great deal of hardships, especially over the coming months as I prepare for the end of a 16+ years career and a giant leap into the unknown, but I take comfort in the simple fact that I am able to envision a future in which I use the whole of my potential to do good for others without neglecting to take care of myself.

My future is uncertain but I have to believe that it’s within my control to make it a good one.